Sometimes You Can't
I've never seen myself as a perfectionist. I don't need things to be just right or second guess for so long that things never sees the light of day. However, I do pride myself of being a fairly driven person. One way this often shows up is that I'm—almost always—early. Missing deadlines, being late to meetings, delayed arrivals; these things sound like scary episodes of The Twilight Zone.
Last week, we didn't release a newsletter. It wasn't late. It wasn't delayed. It just didn't happen. It would be hard to define my feelings on the matter as anything other than distressing. Even as I am writing this, I am telling my bully brain to give me some grace. Nevertheless, I feel intense guilt. I feel unsatisfied. Like a sneeze that never shows up—that kind of feeling. To be honest, it will take me time to get over it (and myself).
Tuesday of last week I woke up at one o' clock in the morning in intense pain. The day wound up taking me to the Emergency Room until finally bringing me home without many answers and more tests to come. I don't remember Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Without my awesome wife and family, I have no idea how I would have even made it through the day—but here we are. And all I can think about is that I was in a state of such sedation that I couldn't write a newsletter. Isn't that silly?
Thus, this newsletter is being written for two reasons: reason the first, I am okay and appreciate(d) the prayers and well wishes; reason the second, even the most driven among us reach a point where they just can't. Drive can take us a long way, but there are moments where you have to rest. Moments where the car must be pulled over. Moments when you let someone else drive. I pray that these moments are few for all of us—but more importantly, I pray that. when they happen you give yourself the grace to let go and move forward. Which I will. Soon. I promise.